So today I again will be talking about real things on a Tuesday. We shall see if this becomes a normal, regularly scheduled thing. But I wanted to give myself the space away from prose and poetry to have a real talk.
I realized over the past few years that I have a tendency towards depression. This seems like it might be me gushing out my feelings but honestly it is not. I have realized that depressive thoughts sometimes plague me when I least expect it. They will creep up on me and before I know it I am in a cycle of negativity.
The hardest part about realizing this aspect of myself is that I had to identify certain habits and thought patterns as hurtful to my overall mental health. I never realized that ruminating over events of the day were actually part of a cycle that can be unhelpful.
It seems silly to be sharing this with the internet and with strangers. I feel a bit bad because I don’t actually have self-help tips for you, readers. I don’t think I’m qualified enough to share anything useful. Instead I just wanted to share my experience.
I have recently graduated from university and am living at home with a part-time job. Although I am extremely blessed and thankful to have such a supporting family, I found myself falling into a spiral of negative thoughts. It seemed as though I hit a wall in my creativity and I hit a wall in my productivity. Instead of realizing that I was becoming more and more depressed; I just tried to work harder at doing tasks.
It is crazy to think that a week ago, I really believed myself to be “all right”. I was far from that fact. Depression has always been a sneaky neighbor in my mind and before I even realize it, depression has moved in and is sharing my bed. It comes in waves and it comes in slowly. Then all the sudden I wake up and I’m basically drowning in negativity.
I always felt that at some point everybody goes through a depressive phase. Like something tragic happens and then you are sad maybe even depressed but then you bounce back and learn from your experience. This is the state that I thought I was in.
I thought that I was depressed because of tragedies that had happened in my life and that I would soon bounce back to my ‘normal’ self. But this has not been the case. It has taken a lot of self reflection to realize that my depression is consistent and sometimes very bad. I don’t like to feel as though I am not in control and depression puts my logical self out of control and I hate that; Which in turn leads to a cycle of self deprecation. Not exactly helpful.
Regardless, I have come to a point wherein I realized I was again in a depressed state. It seems as though I need my inner self to acknowledge that I am not okay and then I can start feeling better. I told a friend the other day that I was not doing too hot and today I woke up excited to be alive.
What I have found in my experience, is that the little conversations and the little things I do, help me to get out of my ‘funk’. By noting my condition, I can say to myself “Okay, I am here. Now let me try this to move forward.”
I think that as I continually live and learn about my self and the world, I find it easy to get overwhelmed by problems and dissonance in the universe. But the little steps that I can take to both laugh and move past ruminating thoughts, then I can start to live my life to the fullest and reach my own personal potential to fulfill my dreams.
Thank you for listening! I hope you don’t mind my meandering thoughts. But then again it is Real Talk Tuesday. 🙂
I stumbled over thoughts in my mind. Wondering why
there was still a blank stare reflecting back
I tried to dig deep into my emotions
and like a magician conjure a rabbit
that would save the day
a trick to deceive the audience from realizing that it was all a facade
then I stopped
didn’t even sing
it sort of feels as though my creativity has left me like a dream I want to remember
I have held onto the building blocks but I can not seem to grasp the details
Where are my sweet words?
Where is my inspiration?
Must I always be sulking to produce something worth while
It seems as though I have a case of writer’s block
there is no cure but to ride the wave
till the crest falls back
against your head
and washes you of all the mess in your mind
Now you are clean cold and shivering
I’ve started to hum again
So I am still trying to create that space wherein I can talk about random things that I have been thinking about. This might become a regular thing, we shall see.
This Tuesday I want to talk about women in the workplace. I realized that my personal workplace experience is quite unique. I have only every had women bosses. Despite the statistics, the people in charge have always been women.
You might think this is nothing to talk about but I find this fact to be extremely interesting. My personal views on women and working have been greatly shaped by this experience. I think. From a young age my mother worked full time and also helped run the household. So I never thought mom’s would do anything different. When I started working, I was working two women and again, I never thought it would be weird to have female bosses.
In no way am I saying that it is WAS weird to have female bosses. I never even gave it a thought. But recently I have wondered how my personal views would have been different if I had male bosses.
Currently, I am working in a museum where the entire education department is comprised of females. I wonder if this is because there are less males in the education world or is is because females excel in this area? I don’t expect for there to be a straight and perfect answer but these are things I think about.
So because I have had such wonderful bosses, I realized that I never thought of limiting myself. I have always seen strong females in the workplace taking charge of what needs to happen. Unknowingly, these women have influenced me to strive to do something greater than societal expectations.
I know that this is not everyone’s experience. To be true, all these women were white cis-females. And because I relate to this experience, I can feel empowered by their achievements. But I wonder can my black or non-heterosexual friends feel this way?
More and more, I am realizing how important role models can be to inspire greatness. These role models should reflect all experiences and I hope that within the coming years more and more diverse role models can flourish so that even more individuals will be realize thier potential.
Whenever I think about how the media portrays women, I realized that my personal experience is quite the opposite.
As I crunch on the babaganoosh
I wonder if food could ever be more delicious
tangy tart tears for saliva
grasp the nature of the creamy smooth dip
the sensations are there to feel the
crunch crisp crack
of the chip
teeth gnashing for more food
expecting another bite to satisfy
satiate the twang
the ring of hunger in my belly soul
So I wanted to create a space on my blog where I can discuss current events, current self doubts and other such ponderings. I realized that although I love writing poetry and short stories, I desired a place to talk about the real things happening in my life or the lives of others. Maybe this will become a regular thing. We shall see.
Today I want to touch on the reality of my existence after college. I have recently graduated from university and have part time job. I am very blessed to be have a family to fall back on and somewhere that I feel comfortable.
But during college, everyone talks about what you are going to be doing afterward. It seems that the goal of your education is to get you to the next thing. Well, I’m not doing that ‘next thing’ yet. I have a plan but I am not doing exactly what I thought I would be after college.
This discrepancy between what people (and myself) expected for me to do and what I am currently doing brings a lot of self doubt to the table. I find it hard to move forward when I myself don’t know how to answer the question “What will I do with my life?”. It seems hard to even admit this.
Ever since I was a child I have been shuffled through the structural systems society has in place. From grade school to high school, from high school to college. This shuffling has been a majority of my existence. Now that I am free to choose something different than continued education, I can’t seem to move forward.
Of course this indecisiveness brings up questions such as: Am I totally reliant on structures to make choices for me? Can be successful with such freedom? Why am I so afraid to commit to something? Has society conditioned this fear in me?
I can sometimes fall into the pattern and think that I am the only one experiencing these feelings. I know my friends don’t feel as though they have it all together too. But how many times does your mate want to discuss the meaninglessness of your life at that moment? It seems pretty depressing to do so. I try to steer conversations away from that.
Sometimes I wonder if this unknowing will make me ‘grow’ or ‘become strong’. I put those words in quotes because they are words people say to you trying to give you hope during a season of uncertainty. Well, I really don’t know if you do grow every time you are unsure about your future or a decision you make. Maybe life just sucks at certain points.
Regardless, right now I must be content with my uncertainty and embrace my confusion on how to move forward.
She wished for a love
that would drive her farther from herself.
She thought that a protector is what she needed
but she didn’t realize that no one could save her from herself.
She needed to do it.
Those loves and those dreams
where merely past times
to create a sense of security within herself.
A feeling of bliss
while her real world sank.
She woke up today;
she saw how she was hurting herself.
she started to write;
putting words together
forming sentences of her true fears.
For when she wrote down her terrors
they stopped materializing as ferocious thoughts.
She was able to decipher her own imagination and put down building blocks to a healthier future.
This act of inscribing meaning allowed the power of control
to be in her words,
and her destiny.
She looked at life with a happier charm and decided that her dreams could still be accomplished.
She did not need daydreams to make her forget;
Instead she remembered and strove to create even more
with her new found determination.