Sherlock and Claire (a work in progress)

For the 3rd week in the Writer’s Workshop, we were challenged to rewrite the first sentence of our story to create more tension. This actually lead me to change up the beginning of my story entirely. (for the better, I think).

Here was the original:

“Halloooo?!! Claire!!??”

Sherlock bounded up the stairs of Claire’s house and rang the doorbell. After what felt like an eternity, the door slowly opened and Sherlock peered inside.It wasn’t Claire. It was her mother…

“Oh, Hi Mrs. Watson”. Sherlock moved his head looking further inside.

Here is the rewrite:

Sherlock bounded up the stairs of Claire’s house, rang the doorbell and peered inside but as the door slowly opened Sherlock noticed it wasn’t Claire.

“Halloo?!!?”

“Hello, James”

Sherlock moved his head looking further inside.“Oh, Hi Mrs. Watson”.

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Thoughts? What do you think of the new version? Is the first sentence still too wordy? I am more content with the series of events in the second version. But I am not convinced it is the final version of the beginning. Please check out the Writer’s Workshop hosted on Go Dog Go Cafe by Tanya Cliff!