Where did the time go?

Wow, has it really been a month since my last post? It has.

Time seems to be flying by this year at a break neck speed, in which I am clinging to a speed boat and letting the spray of the waves hit my face. I have been slowly learning to enjoy the speed. To enjoy the chaos. Ever so slightly, I release my grip on the speed boat of life and reach my hands out to enjoy the wind.

Times are changing and I am changing to too. My hopes and dreams are shifting and moving. These changes can be scary and frightening. The idea that the thing I once wanted and dreamed about no longer holds my hearts desire. How a future I was dreaming about has now taken a different shape. I have to remind myself that it’s alright to change. It’s alright to look in the mirror and see a different person from the month before. It’s okay to change my mind and make different choices.

I have been waiting to get back into writing again. Sometimes, I think about a poem or story I could type but then the desire to share with you fades and I sit back and think some more. This last month has been filled with me thinking. Pondering life questions and simple surmises as well. This time is usually spent in silence or with music in the background. Recently, someone asked me if I enjoy living on my own. My response was that living alone gives you lots of time to think. It can feel lonely at times. You can start to question friendships and personal connections. But I have come to enjoy these long periods of time by myself. After a period away from fellowship with others, I have started to appreciate the “still quiet voice” that the Bible uses to describe God’s presence. When I reach this quiet place, something inside me shifts and changes. I have felt it. When I go back to get togethers and fetes, I am not as anxious about who to talk to or what to say. I take each interaction with a sweet smile, happy that I can talk to someone interesting. Even if it is the man behind me in the checkout line or the person sitting near me at a family gathering, I have started to love those small moments.

Sometimes I don’t want to acknowledge that these feelings are a result of my anxiety waning. Social anxiousness no longer has a hold on me as it once did. For this, I am very thankful. It has taken years, conversations, silence, reading, writing and therapy to slowly make anxiety no longer have a hold on me. A friend told me, when dealing with mental health it is important to remember that soon the years you were sick become only a small part of your story. As time progresses, you are able to count many more healthy years than times you were sick. This is a blessing.

In my personal life, I have changed jobs, found a new apartment, and have many plans to travel this summer. With these plans comes an adjusted time schedule and new rhythms. I don’t want to apologize for these plans as I am excited about them and look forward to them. But with these things comes less time to write and devote to this blog. So you may hear from me frequently or you may not. Regardless, know that I am fully enjoying my summer months and will hopefully pick back up posting in the fall.

Be well,

Leona

(Photo by Zoe Schaeffer on Unsplash)

One thought on “Where did the time go?

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