Blue Sky Tag

I have been graciously nominated by poetry2473 to participate in the Blue Sky tag! I am so blessed to considered because I don’t normally write traditional blog posts. Thank you friend! I wanted to write longer answers because I felt inclined to do so, for those tagged feel free to be brief!

The Rules:

  1. Give 11 questions.
  2. Tag 11 people.
  3. Answer the 11 questions given to you.
  4. Don’t forget to thank the person who tagged you.

Questions Answered:

  1. When is your favorite time of year?
    • Truly, I love all the seasons, especially the change of seasons. The changing of the weather is much more enjoyable to me than the middle of winter or summer. But when push comes to shove, I love winter. I love the cold. The blistery wind. Even the gloomy cloudy days. This time of year allows for lots of retrospection, and I love that.
  2. When was your first love?
    • So personal! I will answer when my first ‘romantic’ love fell upon me. Because I believe my first love was my mother but it was a familial love. My first love was when I was around 13 or 14. I remember being so affected by this person’s presence that I couldn’t think straight when they were around. But I was quite shy and too shy and too young to make anything of those feelings. This person haunted me for a while but now they are gone from my dreams.
  3. Favorite blog?
  4. What drives you to continue in life?
    • It is a hope that I am part of a great story. With this hope, I want to keep going to bring kindness and joy to each person.
  5. What made you start blogging?
    • I have never thought of myself as an artist or poet. But I really wanted to share my thoughts. Blogging allows me a bit of anonymity that I wanted while producing works. Each time I start again, I remember how writing helps me translate my thoughts and understand how to maneuver through this world.
  6. One thing you would change about the world?
    • If I could change one thing… ( I know I should answer hate or death or something like that…) I would change the range of colors that we can see. I wish we could see infrared and ultraviolet. We only experience a small selection of color!
  7. Favorite book?
    • And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie. It is a mystery novel that should become a classic. Mind mindbogglingly clever
  8. Favorite artist?
    • I am a sucker for those Impressionist painters so Monet it is.
  9. One place you want to visit?
    • I would love to visit Japan. Not only have I dedicated a large portion of my life to the enjoyment of Japanese anime; I believe the history and culture of this country are very rich. I would like to see all of it in person. Those internet pictures are not enough.
  10. Favorite TV show?
    • The answer to this question heavily depend when you ask me. Right now, I would say my favorite TV show is The Great British Bake Off. I bring it up at least once a day, so it must be important to my soul.
  11. What is the most meaningful item you possess and why?
    • I really don’t possess very ‘meaningful’ things. But the one thing I own that I do treasure are my books. My books are very special to me, each one of them. And the memories and stories they contain are (to use the original description) quite meaningful to me.

I Tag…

  1. The Naga
  2. Poetry Plus Polemics
  3. lifesfinewhine
  4. Tony Single
  5. littlefears
  6. vidursahdev
  7. emerginfromthedarknight
  8. meltingicetowers
  9. Beka’s journal
  10. franksolanki
  11. poetsdontdie

Questions to those tagged Above:

  1. Why did you start your blog?
  2. Would you rather live in a city or the country?
  3. What is the farthest distance you have traveled?
  4. Do you consider yourself an optimist?
  5. What is your favourite song?
  6. Do you think it is important to hold your breath underwater?
  7. Where would you like to travel?
  8. Have you ever fallen out of love with someone?
  9. Do you have a pet?
  10. Who is your favourite comedian?
  11. What would you do during a zombie apocalypse?

Real Talk Tuesday

So today I again will be talking about real things on a Tuesday. We shall see if this becomes a normal, regularly scheduled thing. But I wanted to give myself the space away from prose and poetry to have a real talk.

I realized over the past few years that I have a tendency towards depression. This seems like it might be me gushing out my feelings but honestly it is not. I have realized that depressive thoughts sometimes plague me when I least expect it. They will creep up on me and before I know it I am in a cycle of negativity.

The hardest part about realizing this aspect of myself is that I had to identify certain habits and thought patterns as hurtful to my overall mental health. I never realized that ruminating over events of the day were actually part of a cycle that can be unhelpful.

It seems silly to be sharing this with the internet and with strangers. I feel a bit bad because I don’t actually have self-help tips for you, readers. I don’t think I’m qualified enough to share anything useful. Instead I just wanted to share my experience.

I have recently graduated from university and am living at home with a part-time job. Although I am extremely blessed and thankful to have such a supporting family, I found myself falling into a spiral of negative thoughts. It seemed as though I hit a wall in my creativity and I hit a wall in my productivity. Instead of realizing that I was becoming more and more depressed; I just tried to work harder at doing tasks.

It is crazy to think that a week ago, I really believed myself to be “all right”. I was far from that fact. Depression has always been a sneaky neighbor in my mind and before I even realize it, depression has moved in and is sharing my bed. It comes in waves and it comes in slowly. Then all the sudden I wake up and I’m basically drowning in negativity.

I always felt that at some point everybody goes through a depressive phase. Like something tragic happens and then you are sad maybe even depressed but then you bounce back and learn from your experience. This is the state that I thought I was in.

I thought that I was depressed because of tragedies that had happened in my life and that I would soon bounce back to my ‘normal’ self. But this has not been the case. It has taken a lot of self reflection to realize that my depression is consistent and sometimes very bad. I don’t like to feel as though I am not in control and depression puts my logical self out of control and I hate that; Which in turn leads to a cycle of self deprecation. Not exactly helpful.

Regardless, I have come to a point wherein I realized I was again in a depressed state. It seems as though I need my inner self to acknowledge that I am not okay and then I can start feeling better. I told a friend the other day that I was not doing too hot and today I woke up excited to be alive.

What I have found in my experience, is that the little conversations and the little things I do, help me to get out of my ‘funk’. By noting my condition, I can say to myself “Okay, I am here. Now let me try this to move forward.”

I think that as I continually live and learn about my self and the world, I find it easy to get overwhelmed by problems and dissonance in the universe. But the little steps that I can take to both laugh and move past ruminating thoughts, then I can start to live my life to the fullest and reach my own personal potential to fulfill my dreams.

Thank you for listening! I hope you don’t mind my meandering thoughts. But then again it is Real Talk Tuesday. 🙂

 

Real Talk Tuesday

So I am still trying to create that space wherein I can talk about random things that I have been thinking about. This might become a regular thing, we shall see.

This Tuesday I want to talk about women in the workplace. I realized that my personal workplace experience is quite unique. I have only every had women bosses. Despite the statistics, the people in charge have always been women.

You might think this is nothing to talk about but I find this fact to be extremely interesting. My personal views on women and working have been greatly shaped by this experience. I think. From a young age my mother worked full time and also helped run the household. So I never thought mom’s would do anything different. When I started working, I was working two women and again, I never thought it would be weird to have female bosses.

In no way am I saying that it is WAS weird to have female bosses. I never even gave it a thought. But recently I have wondered how my personal views would have been different if I had male bosses.

Currently, I am working in a museum where the entire education department is comprised of females. I wonder if this is because there are less males in the education world or is is because females excel in this area? I don’t expect for there to be a straight and perfect answer but these are things I think about.

So because I have had such wonderful bosses, I realized that I never thought of limiting myself. I have always seen strong females in the workplace taking charge of what needs to happen. Unknowingly, these women have influenced me to strive to do something greater than societal expectations.

I know that this is not everyone’s experience. To be true, all these women were white cis-females. And because I relate to this experience, I can feel empowered by their achievements. But I wonder can my black or non-heterosexual friends feel this way?

More and more, I am realizing how important role models can be to inspire greatness. These role models should reflect all experiences and I hope that within the coming years more and more diverse role models can flourish so that even more individuals will be realize thier potential.

Whenever I think about how the media portrays women, I realized that my personal experience is quite the opposite.

Real Talk Tuesdays

So I wanted to create a space on my blog where I can discuss current events, current self doubts and other such ponderings. I realized that although I love writing poetry and short stories, I desired a place to talk about the real things happening in my life or the lives of others. Maybe this will become a regular thing. We shall see.

Today I want to touch on the reality of my existence after college. I have recently graduated from university and  have part time job. I am very blessed to be have a family to fall back on and somewhere that I feel comfortable.

But during college, everyone talks about what you are going to be doing afterward. It seems that the goal of your education is to get you to the next thing. Well, I’m not doing that ‘next thing’ yet. I have a plan but I am not doing exactly what I thought I would be after college.

This discrepancy between what people (and myself) expected for me to do and what I am currently doing brings a lot of self doubt to the table. I find it hard to move forward when I myself don’t know how to answer the question “What will I do with my life?”. It seems hard to even admit this.

Ever since I was a child I have been shuffled through the structural systems society has in place. From grade school to high school, from high school to college. This shuffling has been a majority of my existence. Now that I am free to choose something different than continued education, I can’t seem to move forward.

Of course this indecisiveness brings up questions such as: Am I totally reliant on structures to make choices for me? Can be successful with such freedom? Why am I so afraid to commit to something? Has society conditioned this fear in me?

I can sometimes fall into the pattern and think that I am the only one experiencing these feelings. I know my friends don’t feel as though they have it all together too. But how many times does your mate want to discuss the meaninglessness of your life at that moment? It seems pretty depressing to do so. I try to steer conversations away from that.

Sometimes I wonder if this unknowing will make me ‘grow’ or ‘become strong’. I put those words in quotes because they are words people say to you trying to give you hope during a season of uncertainty. Well, I really don’t know if you do grow every time you are unsure about your future or a decision you make. Maybe life just sucks at certain points.

Regardless, right now I must be content with my uncertainty and embrace my confusion on how to move forward.

Complicated

I believe in the complex

the symmetry of entropy

constant

life is more complicated than

my political affiliation or

my gender

at least I believe so

taking everything into account seems

like a daunting task

until you realize it is the only way to understand

fully how I think

the mess of my mind

creates the words and jokes I tell

sorry, I can really be crude, can’t I

I didn’t mean it

any of it

life it too complicated to be taken

completely seriously

Right, Friend?

We both say hogwash but mean daisies and roses

we both glance at our watches and remember our schedules

plotting life adventures like a math problem

Geometry maybe?

Sometimes the simplest “Hello”

will help me realize that life isn’t as

complicated as I make it seem

when I reduce my fractions and

smile in the mirror

then I can start to focus

on the objects of happiness and joy

that make this world Simple

Writing:Living

I haven’t written in a while. Well a few days at least. It seems that part of me is dying when I forget to express myself through words. Maybe I’m just a romantic poet hoping to live a little. Maybe I am slowly dying and feel as though my words help me live past myself. Do you ever feel like crafting a whole story just to tear it up? Do you ever want to burn bridges just to watch?

It seems as though my life is consistently a balancing act over dark waters. And sometimes I just need the comfort of my own thoughts to take me from my reality.

The Bridge

I came to the edge of the road. A bridge expanded from my feet. Vast it was with beams and ropes. I thought about crossing that bridge. My bridge. For it was made by my imagination. I wanted to take a new journey across dangerous waters. No help of a lover or friend. Rather the bridge was mine and my own journey to cross it. I took a step and the wood planks faded underneath my feet. To my surprise I did not start falling but kept walking. Forward as I walked, the path disappeared. The bridge would leave just as I arrived. Over the brewing waters, I continued to cross until I could see the other side. On the shore of another land, I could see colors of green and even greener. Although I had felt lost before, I knew that soon I would arrive home.

Why it is still a lie

Today as I rolled out of bed, I didn’t have to worry about what I was going to wear. I had picked it out the night before. I looked in the mirror saw my white skin and straightened my brown hair. I was not threatened with death, my color did not incite hate.

Because I live in a bubble where I do not experience racism, it is easy to think everything is honky dorky. My life rolls on and I strive for feminist thoughts as I drink my coffee and head to class. Rhetoric becomes my shield and logic my armor.

But this is not the case for my black friends. They are not given the respect in the classroom let alone the public sphere. The lie that I believe is broken. When a professor tells my friend to “Speak on behalf of all blacks” racism is not dead but alive and breathing. When social media breeds texts and tweets containing the ‘N’ word and threats of death, racism is alive.

Can we kill it in one fell swoop? Will one demonstration fix us? Fix the hate? No.

We must stand each day and scream that inequality is real. We must listen to lived experiences. We must listen to loss. We must listen to success. No one conversation will change the world. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t stand for what is right. I agree with the protests. I agree with those who call out racism. Voices need to be heard. Shout. Scream. Break down the oppressive rhetoric. Break down the illogical logic.

It is a lie if you believe that our country is equal. The lie destroys lives and breeds hate.

Let us live in the truth. The most beautiful, ugly, truth. Let us stand for freedom. Let us stand for justice

Background

I fade into the background as I try and win over your countenance. It is a glance and nothing more. I realized that I dreamed about you. But why? Is my only motive physical? There I stood, going along my day, hoping to catch maybe just a smile. I heard that you called someone else wonderful and my heart sank. The background became my foreground and I didn’t know how to get out of the painting. It seems my shyness had kept me from discovering more of you. Or maybe it has kept you from seeing me. Do not cast a gaze deeper because I’m not sure what’s underneath my surface. My heart still tries to love you from afar. In my own way, I have you labeled as my own as we walked by each-other today. The backdrop to your universe, I try to sit still so you won’t notice me. I noticed you noticing and I tried to become a blur. Please do not take offense to me for I have not decided who you are to me. I am afraid of what you might become, someone to love.