What drives you?

I had an interesting conversation with my co-worker yesterday. We chatted about how it is important to find joy in your work and if you are able to make your passion your work that’s even better. At one point, my co-worker mentioned getting up early everyday to draw so that he could practice this skill since he wasn’t doing that at work. I said flipantly that I don’t have anything that I get up and do. I don’t go home and draw or edit on Premiere Pro software: I rarely take photos even though I would consider this a passion of mine, or at least a hobby. But, after I admitted this fact I realized that I DO wake up each day to do something.

I write.

For the past 3 months, I have spent each morning jotting down a small poem and reading fellow writers to find inspiration. Over the course of these months, I have been excited to get up and write each moring. I can’t wait for my dreams to end so that I can be part of the wordpress blogger community and evoke feelings with words.

While I don’t plan on ever being a full time writer, the act of writing has helped ground me. So, I must like writing, right? Why else would I keep doing it?

I found it weird that I couldn’t tell my coworker about my writing. I guess I couldn’t because writing is so personal to me. It becomes a reflection of my inner self at times. I didn’t want to tell him about how I sit each morning and craft words and rhymes together. I get embarassed trying to describe poems or prose to others because most of them I know are not as good as they could be.

Obviously, everyone doubts the quality of their work but I do this constantly.  The only think that has seemed to help this doubt is to consistently write each morming. But every now and then, sometimes doubt rears its angry head.

So in the end, after this conversation, I realized that I do in fact have a craft that I am practicing. I am slowly learning more about prose, more about writing. I am becoming more familiar with my feelings and how they relate to words. This in turn makes me want to write songs and sing them which is another new craft I could develop. But most of all I realized that I do not want to confine my interests to a “career” path. I do not want to make writing become a chore. It is okay for this hobby to stay a hobby and pursue enjoyment from the words that I and others write each day.

Be well,

L

 

 


Photo by Karolina Badzmierowska on Unsplash

Monday’s Reflection

Normally, I try to write a bit of a reflection piece during the weekend. But this weekend, I enjoyed the stillness and laziness that Saturday and Sunday can bring. It was quite wonderful. On Sunday, I sat outside listening to my favorite podcast and took a nap. The sun was so warm and cozy that I didn’t even mind that it felt more like a summer day in June rather than the end of September. Just getting outside and putting my feet on the old sand box I have in my yard made me forget about writing, blogging and keeping up with things. Do you ever feel this way?

Sometimes nature seems to pull you away from everything that you wanted to do, but the tugging is so gentle and serene you are happy to accomadate.

Choosing to rest and take a moment to breathe sometimes feels selfish. Because there is a long list of to-do’s that I should accomplish, but I choose to relax instead. I’m at a point in my life that I can identify this incorrect way of thinking but this feeling of regret lingers nonetheless. I know that my body and soul deserves rest but I need to still convince my mind and my heart that this is true.

Rest

(verb)

  1. cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength.

(noun)

  1.  an instance or period of relaxing or ceasing to engage in strenuous or stressful activity.

 

As the work week starts again, I will working more than resting. But the weekend sabbath has replenished my chutzpa and I am ready to tackle what lies ahead.

Be well,

L

 


Photo by Elena Saharova on Unsplash.

Regaining normal

Hello!

It has been a while since I sat down to write an update on my life, my wanderings and my dreams. These past few weeks I have been traveling for work, traveling to visit friends and all in all having a busy time. I knew going into September it would be quite busy, a rush of things to do and places to be: But now that I am in the midst of it, I keep trying to carve out moments of rest and peace so that I don’t forget myself. I find it too easy to let the tide of life sweep me away with little care to how I am actually feeling. It’s hard to be “in the moment” when you have a long list of to do’s to accomplish.

So here I am clacking away on my keyboard giving myself a moment to process and understand the past few weeks.

Fun fact about me, this month I celebrated my birthday. Over the years, I have come to enjoy my birthday as a time for reflection and celebrating the loving friends and family that I have around me. But, it hasn’t always been this way. I used to hate my birthday, really,  there was such a terrible bitter anger toward the day. You might be confused, you might ask if something horrible happened on my birthday. Not really. Actually, this distaste derived from the fact that I never liked being at the center of attention at parties and that I never understood how to accept presents. Weird, I know. Now that I’ve grown, my attitudes toward birthdays have changed and I am better for it. I don’t flaunt that day with balloons and cake, rather I like to recount my blessings and tell people how much I appreciate them when they wish me “Happy Birthday”. As I grow older, I see my birthday as more like my personal New Year’s day. People make resolutions for the new year but I make resolutions for my birthday. Maybe that’s also weird but I think that we have already established this fact… So I thought I would share with you some of my personal resolutions for my next year of life.

-Continue to seek joy in all circumstances

-Grow in communicating feelings,thoughts and desires 

-Maintain personal relationships with close family and friends

-Publish a collection of my poems (a very daunting task! But I have a year to do it, right?)

I am very excited to see what the new year holds for me. Also, I am so happy to be part of the Go Dog Go Cafe, as this has helped me continue to cultivate my writing and my prose. This past year was a good year, but I know there is still so much more to learn and experience. I feel that for the first time, I am ready for it. I am ready to learn, ready to run boldy and face the day. For life is complex, life is confusing but life is also beautiful and I am looking forward to living it.

Be well,

L

 


Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash.

 

Wondering Somethings

Sitting here on this Saturday and sipping my coffee…

After another week, I feel as though I am left with more questions than answers. Instead of writing about what I learned, I think I just want to write my questions. Sometimes I don’t want answers, instead I want to ask and wonder, ponder and think. Hence this post.

There really isn’t a rhyme or reason to any of them but feel free to share your own questions along with mine.


When I wake up in the morning, why is there a tightness in my chest that doesn’t abate?

Will the fall time breeze make me happier than I am now?

Why have I waited so long to try and find a long lost love?

As I grow older, will I become wiser? Or do I have to develop my wisdom?

How will the children of the future view this past reality?

Is patience another word for laiziness?

Why is money so important even though it never brings me happiness?

Can I be brave enough to develop a passion into a career?


 

Photo by Patryk Sobczak on Unsplash

 

 

A bit more time

As summer comes to slow close, I am so excited to start wearing sweaters again. Nothing like the cold air licking at your ears, making the snuggles against your clothes extra wonderful and nice.

But along with the changing seasons, I can’t help but wishing there was a bit more time. More time to savor the long sunny nights and more time to smell sweet flowers. Summer isn’t finished yet but it is starting to wane.

This spring, I gave myself an unspoken deadline that I would find a new job and a new place to live by the end of summer. But this dream of mine, slowly seems more impractical as fall approaches. I do wish that summer could last a few more months so that I can get my personal “act” together.

Hmmm, but even with this unaccomplished goal on my checklist of life, I still relish the idea of fall arriving early. I can’t wait for the leaves to change and the rain to blown in.  As this season changes, I must remember to let my own life change at a pace that fits the rhythms of life.

Be well,

L


Photo by Aron Visuals on Usplash

5 Thoughts

Hello! This week I was inspired by Katie Kay to write about 5 things that I’ve had on my mind. Read her post here. Thanks for the inspiration Katie!

1)Joy.

                 At certain times in my life, I have found it hard to have joy, see joy, taste joy. The thing is joy is not dependant on my physical, spiritual or emotional circumstances. Joy is found both within myself and outside myself. Even if I feel no joy, I can trust that there is something else in the universe that it is joyful and I can turn and look at this instead. Maybe this sounds like jumbled up philosophical nonsense that doesn’t really make sense. But the action of finding joy has given me more hope than I thought was possible. Recently, I have realized that joy is key to my existence. I must find joy in the absurd, joy in the depressing and joy in the lovely. For in those moments where I dig deep, this is where I can truly make changes and create a more positive life for myself. Darkness may exist but I will shine through it with my joy.

2) It’s not the destination that matters

              Now that I have ticked all of the educational boxes in my life (ie, middle school,highschool, college…) I have found it hard to define my “purpose”. In the past few years, I have bumped along from one job to another with no specific goal. This lack of a defined goal has left me confused and lonely. Sometimes I don’t know what the hell I am doing, other days I feel so convinced of my calling that I feel on fire. Have you felt this way? In recent months, after continuing on with my everyday existence, I have found that life really is about the journey not the destination. In the US, we are so focused on goals and achievements, I feel that we sometimes lose sight of the true beauty found in the journey.  Traveling, living, these small seemingly mundane moments are where my life is truly lived. And in this simplicity, I find myself becoming more and more content. My journey is not done and I don’t mind not knowing where I am going.

3) Miss Fishers independence

                 Recently, I have been watching “Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries” on the good ol’ netflix (not a sponsor). I am really enjoying this series and can’t believe I never saw it before. I am a true sucker for anything mysterious and so after the first episode I was hooked. Also who doesn’t love a gunslinging, rich and powerful lady detective? Anyway, this series has helped inspire some of my own stories for two kid detective characters that I have been working on. Maybe one day these characters will see the light of day. 

4) Wanting to travel/ making plans

               As much as the destination OF LIFE doesn’t matter, I am really itching to travel and go places. I have a friend living abroad and I am trying/hoping/praying that I will be able to make it out to her sometime soon! For me, I have to start talking about travel plans way in advance so that I begin to take my desires seriously. It might sound strange but I basically need to hype myself up to even consider a trip. This is just the way my crazy brain works. Anyway, I have been looking at tickets and searching for cheap flight options (if that is even a thing) and trying to visualize myself going and traveling around the world. Fingers crossed that everything will work out! 

5) The future is bright

             Even if I don’t feel this to be true every moment of the day, my future is bright. I have been thinking about “what’s next” in life and I have come to the conclusion that no matter what, it will be bright.  By trying to answer this question, I have cause headaches, stomach pains and needless anxiety. I don’t know what clicked in my head the other day (maybe I’m maturing??) but now when I ask myself “what’s next” my answer is, “the future is bright”. I won’t worry about what lies ahead or what lies behind. Instead I will trust that the future is bright, because,really, it is.

 

Be well,

L

A week of questions

Gahhh! Its the end of another week and now I have to think of words and things to write down so it doesn’t seem like my life it truly falling apart.

In other news, I think I might be in for a huge life change. Talking about career change, lifestyle change, paradigm shift. The whole sha- bang.  The biggest thing I need to overcome is my fear of the unknown. This fear has immobilized me for so long. Taking control of my thoughts, feelings and future. I have let it overtake my decisions and run me around the carousel of life.

It will be hard to overcome it.

It will take courage.

Courage, something so simple and foundational in those superhero stores but seemingly elusive in my every day existence. Can one cultivate courage? Or must you inherit this trait like the color of one’s skin? Can I become courageous?

Be not afraid, my soul whispers.

But will the whisper be loud enough?

You caught me monologuing

Wow, I can’t believe that another week has flown by and that life seems to whip by. You know that feeling you get when you are a passenger in a car and you can’t see everything that passes you by? You can see trees and lights if you really focus but then in a moment they are gone and you don’t even remember what you just saw.

This is how my life feels right now.

I don’t necessarily want it to be that way but the flood of time and work pushes me along the week, the day and the hour; I forget what time it really is. When I forget about time and space, it re-affirms by belief that I suffer from disassociation.

But its all okay.

Yesterday, I was able to visit an ice cream place that is located on a local farm. The ice cream is super fresh and incredibly delicious. I was definitely captivated by the ice cream (I got chocolate peanut butter) but I couldn’t help just staring at the sky and the beautiful scenery. When I was younger, I thought that I would move to the city and live in a high-rise building. With fast cars and fancy foods, I wanted to build my life there. Although I am not old, I am older than I was and I no longer share this desire with my past self. Instead when I visit farms and the countryside, I realize that this is truly where I want to exist. Watching the rolling clouds in the distance and the slow setting sun.

I do wonder though, if I have a romantic notion of the countryside.

But when I see the tress, grass, rolling hills and farm animals, time moves slower. I feel grounded. I don’t mind that time moves slowly, instead I crave it.

Maybe one day I will be able to live where time stands still and enjoy the natural world.

-L

Moving and Motion

This past week, I moved house. I had to pack up all my things put them in boxes and lug all my stuff to a new, different place. The act of moving, really puts into perspective how much I hold onto my sense of place with my sense of self.

For a year now, I have been living in a tiny apartment, essentially all by myself. I had a roommate that soon became non existent as they moved in with their boyfriend. Why did they still pay rent? I really have no idea. Regardless the silence that I lived in made me think that I am a quiet person. It also made me think that I am someone that deserves to be alone. Although I did not try to isolate myself, it just started to happen naturally. So when I hear about social isolation being a huge problem for the elderly in society, I understand how it happens. Slowly it creeps up on you and then you think that being alone is what you deserve. I had to actively fight against feeling lonely and alone. Too much honesty? maybe… But even though this move was taxing physically and mentally, I am going to be part of a community again and live alongside others which I know will be both refreshing and rejuvenating.

Know that you deserve good, refreshing company and that there are those around you who want to support you. Fight for joyful company and your heart will slowly heal.

-L

(those last words are directed to those who feel alone and to myself as well)

From Far Away

Last time I sat and wrote something longer, I talked about the season of life in which I fins myself. Although I’d like to keep thinking existential thoughts, why don’t I move along.

This week has been very busy even though I haven’t traveled anywhere. Instead, I have been preparing for travel. The preparation of the thing seems to me just as important as the journey itself. I am not one of those travelers who can go on a whim with no thought about where the next meal will come from. Rather, I plan accordingly and detail out how much I should bring and what shoes I should wear. As I near the trip, I start to get anxieties about whether or not I even planned enough. At some point, this worry multiplies into thoughts about whether I should go on the trip at all.

I am starting to realize that life isn’t lived while you are planning. Real moments are formed when you let the travel take you to your next adventure. As much as I want to be in control and make each moment special, the reality is I am not physically capable to do so.  Even though I am just taking a weekend trip, this realization has broader impact on my perspective. The prepping, the doomsday attitude will only provide me so much comfort and joy when I walk through life’s journey.

Therefore, this weekend I won’t worry about each meal or each moment spent. Instead I will roll with the punches, let me hair down, throw caution to the wind and treasure each uncertain moment.

 

-L