Love…again

Do I think of any thing

Else?

Do I believe in something more?

Yesterday I thought again

Of my love

Where are you cherished friend?

Where are your kisses and sweet

Candy kisses

I believe that I dream too much

Sometimes I think my imagining

hurts

My reality

For it will hurt

If you do not meet my expectations

But it will blow me away

If you exceed them

I cried that I will never find you

A lost, lost soul

Searching for friendship

And love

People say they married their best

Friend

Well I need a best friend first

Be my valentine

I have never heard

Because I never made any effort to

Look your way

Now the past is gone

And the

what if

Still hangs over my head

Longer than the summer solstice

I think too much

Right?

Dreaming of your smile

I am afraid to remember how you

asked me questions

Because I know I put too much

meaning

Behing it

Behind it

I will be hiding

Behind my dreams

Of a love so sweet

I never again need to

Taste the honey dew

melon

Reality of a Blogger

Wakes up

Sleepy eyes

Drooled crust on my lips

Brush my hair

With my hands

Down a gallon of coffee

To jump start my senses

Rhythms start playing out in my head

Turn on the computer

To rattle the keys

To the beat of my caffeine rush

Stare at the words

Stare at the words

Leave for a break

But never return

Because you picked up a

Super good book

Look at the time

The day is finally done

Remeber how you wanted to write a

Poem

Forget to press “publish”

And hit the pillow

With an effortless

Thud

That knocks you out into

Discreet obscurity

To live your life

On a make believe

Dream

Making things

Many of us like

Making thing

Makin tings

Maken dings

But sometimes we like

Hinding things

Treasures to myself

Keep my creativity under

Wraps

So no one can expect

The worldwind

Of a person

I am becoming

We like making things

I like makin tings

For you to discover me

You deserve Life

There was a moment in my life where I felt

That although

I was finished my degree

That I was finished this

Seeming monstrosity

That I was still missing something

Missing something

Right

Like we all run through life trying to check boxes

But where has it gotten us?

Where has it gotten me?

Me

A girl

A young girl by the looks of things

And immature girl

By the guess of things

She hasn’t gotten anywhere by checking all those boxes instead I color in the lines and wish

Oh how I wish that I could be like the people that I see on tv

I wish that I could be free like them

Work hard

But get rewarded

For all I want is the reward, right?

Do all I want is the praise and adoration of my friends and family?

Why

Why do I create? Why do I think about like death humanity and beauty all at once

Who am I

Where will God take me?

People think religion is stupid

I understand why

Believing in something different

Other than yourself

Well

Truth is I am tired

Tired of checking and filling all those boxes and saying help when it seems right

I am tired of believing in myself

And then Turing around to think badly about myself

People talk about self-worth as though it is something that you can easily attain

With 5 simple steps

The reality is

This

Every day you need to gain back that self-worth

For your mind tore everything down the night before

You look in the mirror and have to force

Force

Rip your mind from feeding on negativity

It isn’t 5 easy steps

It isn’t the next smile is freedom

It is a fight to move forward

Never does that moment get easier

Sometimes the weight of my personal doubt does grow easier yes

Things like laughter

The spirit

Singing and love

Those do make it easier

Yes

But that does not diminish the roar that I need to give to my own personal identity every time I start to believe that I am less than others

Or even less than myself

No

This is not a road to personal discovery

Is isn’t even recovery

It’s a process

And with the processing of the [process

I can start to understand the why of things

Am I that crazy?

Are we this crazy

Stupid to think that the solution to life is five easy steps?

This is no declaration of encouragement

This is no pep talk

But rather the real talk

That I have been trying to come to terms with in the last few months

Years

Lifetime

Be though my vision

I tell myself in the morning

As I try to make sense of the

Who

What

Where

Where

Why and how

But we need each other

Right? I need you and you need me

Confessing our insecurities

So, one day they might bring us less pain

Don’t worry, even in the times where I see only darkness for myself

I still think you are the light of day

Even when you doubt yourself

I will believe in you

Put trust in you

Call you

Friend

Mother brother sister father and worth

My time and energy

Even if I feel close to smashing the mirror in my room

I promise to be true to you

True to the fact that you deserve someone

Somebody to laugh and care for you

You deserve life

And so even if my life feels failing

I promise to make sure your life is worth living

Be thou my vision

Oh Lord of my life.

Friendship…

I didnt say hello

How are you

For many months now

It seems your face has been 

Lost to memory

Where are you

Where am I

Too late I tried to save 

The remaining assemblage of a 

Friendship

Who are you 

Who am I

I apologize for how I have neglected you

I dont really know how to be friends

Because it is hard

To care for everyone

I have built up walls around

Myself

Because I do not want to risk

Getting hurt

Or missing you

I am sorry

That I function 

Like a fourth grader

Pretending to be an adult

It feels as though I have lacked

In my scale

That I arbitrarily assigned to myself

I have judged myself harshly

Because I want to make sure the standard

I set is met so that

I can accept

That maybe

Finally

We are 

Friends

Create

I thought I was creative 

He said 

Im not

Now what can I do

It hurt because

I had thought 

Thoughts were more than

Thoughts

But rather batteries

To my emotional ego 

I thought I was creative

So I am creative

Slowly uncovering the

Dancing mermaid

Living guised

As a two legged 

Nymph

Forgot

I forgot what it was like

To write

And write 

And write

Like a smooth sail in the wind

Water

Ship down

Splashing to breathe

Above

I forgot what it was like

To hold a hand

And say amen

Like a moth running

To a flame

First its bright

And warm

Then its blinding

And i 

Burn