Dreams

It seems that only in my dreams

Do we talk for hours

Before falling asleep

In eachothers arms

The hold

You have

On my minds desires

Slowly simmers

Underneath

My stone cold heart

I wish more things about the

Present reflected my

Dreams of the future

Like washed towles and

A clean bedroom

But I have become satisfied

With waiting until

I see your bright warm cheeks

Swelling in laughter

My oh my

Can my dreams

Last a little longer?

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My mind thought about you all night

even though

I didn’t taste anything

no sweet kisses or

peach hugs

for my belly

deep inside of me

I wandered around

thinking you would finally appear

but the dream never did shape up

to anything but

a cozy snuggle with my cat

I thought it would be fun to romanticize and fantasize

about how your beard would feel against my smooth cheek

and wouldn’t it be perfect if

the puzzles fit together

interlocking

like our hands

yes

but only in my dream

I want

I want you know

I thought about you

I want to know

I care about you

When you said

that you wanted to die

I want to you know

I gave you a think

I want you to know

life will not sink

When we said

“see ya later, goodbye”

It isn’t hard

for me to find

the reasons why

you bring me sunshine

It isn’t hard

for me to hide

the reasons why

you bring a smile to my life

I want you know

I thought about you

I want you to care

that I’ll see you through

When you said

that you wanted to die

When you say

your final goodbye

 

Hello

Good morning Sunshine

You laughed at my

messy bed head hair

and sleepy teddy bear eyes

too early to realize

that it wasn’t

sunrise

but rather sunset

I visited your grave

everyday

for when you left me

all I could remember was

your blurry eyes

and soft hands

whispers of

Hello

in my ear

I do not know if it is

sunrise

or

sunset

 

Written

I seemed

To have

Forgotten

The love I found

In writing down

Every penny I could

Share

I seemed to have forgotten

The easiness of the words

How they sooth my soul

No curse

Can last forever

They say

No love

Can last the night

Again

I’ll try

To paint for you

Again I’ll try

Or die

Sickness

I am feeling dissatisfied with my

Current position in life

I am happy right now

But I feel as though

I have not broken through the

Womb

I want to stretch my arms

And push

Push out of the place

I am currently sitting

Dissatisfied is the wrong word

Restless

Restless to go

Be

See

Take my own life

Make something for myself

I am running inside my own mind

Instead of running around the world

I want to

Do things

Like truly

Move

And hit

And run

Forward

I want to

Create things

And film

Paint and

Draw

My life to its fullest

Art my way through

A real

Conversation

This tireless wanting

Hunger to be more

Restlessness

It had infected me

And taken grip of my heart

The real sickness

Is never acting upon

It.

Real Talk Tuesday

So today I again will be talking about real things on a Tuesday. We shall see if this becomes a normal, regularly scheduled thing. But I wanted to give myself the space away from prose and poetry to have a real talk.

I realized over the past few years that I have a tendency towards depression. This seems like it might be me gushing out my feelings but honestly it is not. I have realized that depressive thoughts sometimes plague me when I least expect it. They will creep up on me and before I know it I am in a cycle of negativity.

The hardest part about realizing this aspect of myself is that I had to identify certain habits and thought patterns as hurtful to my overall mental health. I never realized that ruminating over events of the day were actually part of a cycle that can be unhelpful.

It seems silly to be sharing this with the internet and with strangers. I feel a bit bad because I don’t actually have self-help tips for you, readers. I don’t think I’m qualified enough to share anything useful. Instead I just wanted to share my experience.

I have recently graduated from university and am living at home with a part-time job. Although I am extremely blessed and thankful to have such a supporting family, I found myself falling into a spiral of negative thoughts. It seemed as though I hit a wall in my creativity and I hit a wall in my productivity. Instead of realizing that I was becoming more and more depressed; I just tried to work harder at doing tasks.

It is crazy to think that a week ago, I really believed myself to be “all right”. I was far from that fact. Depression has always been a sneaky neighbor in my mind and before I even realize it, depression has moved in and is sharing my bed. It comes in waves and it comes in slowly. Then all the sudden I wake up and I’m basically drowning in negativity.

I always felt that at some point everybody goes through a depressive phase. Like something tragic happens and then you are sad maybe even depressed but then you bounce back and learn from your experience. This is the state that I thought I was in.

I thought that I was depressed because of tragedies that had happened in my life and that I would soon bounce back to my ‘normal’ self. But this has not been the case. It has taken a lot of self reflection to realize that my depression is consistent and sometimes very bad. I don’t like to feel as though I am not in control and depression puts my logical self out of control and I hate that; Which in turn leads to a cycle of self deprecation. Not exactly helpful.

Regardless, I have come to a point wherein I realized I was again in a depressed state. It seems as though I need my inner self to acknowledge that I am not okay and then I can start feeling better. I told a friend the other day that I was not doing too hot and today I woke up excited to be alive.

What I have found in my experience, is that the little conversations and the little things I do, help me to get out of my ‘funk’. By noting my condition, I can say to myself “Okay, I am here. Now let me try this to move forward.”

I think that as I continually live and learn about my self and the world, I find it easy to get overwhelmed by problems and dissonance in the universe. But the little steps that I can take to both laugh and move past ruminating thoughts, then I can start to live my life to the fullest and reach my own personal potential to fulfill my dreams.

Thank you for listening! I hope you don’t mind my meandering thoughts. But then again it is Real Talk Tuesday. 🙂