Sickness

I am feeling dissatisfied with my

Current position in life

I am happy right now

But I feel as though

I have not broken through the

Womb

I want to stretch my arms

And push

Push out of the place

I am currently sitting

Dissatisfied is the wrong word

Restless

Restless to go

Be

See

Take my own life

Make something for myself

I am running inside my own mind

Instead of running around the world

I want to

Do things

Like truly

Move

And hit

And run

Forward

I want to

Create things

And film

Paint and

Draw

My life to its fullest

Art my way through

A real

Conversation

This tireless wanting

Hunger to be more

Restlessness

It had infected me

And taken grip of my heart

The real sickness

Is never acting upon

It.

Real Talk Tuesday

So today I again will be talking about real things on a Tuesday. We shall see if this becomes a normal, regularly scheduled thing. But I wanted to give myself the space away from prose and poetry to have a real talk.

I realized over the past few years that I have a tendency towards depression. This seems like it might be me gushing out my feelings but honestly it is not. I have realized that depressive thoughts sometimes plague me when I least expect it. They will creep up on me and before I know it I am in a cycle of negativity.

The hardest part about realizing this aspect of myself is that I had to identify certain habits and thought patterns as hurtful to my overall mental health. I never realized that ruminating over events of the day were actually part of a cycle that can be unhelpful.

It seems silly to be sharing this with the internet and with strangers. I feel a bit bad because I don’t actually have self-help tips for you, readers. I don’t think I’m qualified enough to share anything useful. Instead I just wanted to share my experience.

I have recently graduated from university and am living at home with a part-time job. Although I am extremely blessed and thankful to have such a supporting family, I found myself falling into a spiral of negative thoughts. It seemed as though I hit a wall in my creativity and I hit a wall in my productivity. Instead of realizing that I was becoming more and more depressed; I just tried to work harder at doing tasks.

It is crazy to think that a week ago, I really believed myself to be “all right”. I was far from that fact. Depression has always been a sneaky neighbor in my mind and before I even realize it, depression has moved in and is sharing my bed. It comes in waves and it comes in slowly. Then all the sudden I wake up and I’m basically drowning in negativity.

I always felt that at some point everybody goes through a depressive phase. Like something tragic happens and then you are sad maybe even depressed but then you bounce back and learn from your experience. This is the state that I thought I was in.

I thought that I was depressed because of tragedies that had happened in my life and that I would soon bounce back to my ‘normal’ self. But this has not been the case. It has taken a lot of self reflection to realize that my depression is consistent and sometimes very bad. I don’t like to feel as though I am not in control and depression puts my logical self out of control and I hate that; Which in turn leads to a cycle of self deprecation. Not exactly helpful.

Regardless, I have come to a point wherein I realized I was again in a depressed state. It seems as though I need my inner self to acknowledge that I am not okay and then I can start feeling better. I told a friend the other day that I was not doing too hot and today I woke up excited to be alive.

What I have found in my experience, is that the little conversations and the little things I do, help me to get out of my ‘funk’. By noting my condition, I can say to myself “Okay, I am here. Now let me try this to move forward.”

I think that as I continually live and learn about my self and the world, I find it easy to get overwhelmed by problems and dissonance in the universe. But the little steps that I can take to both laugh and move past ruminating thoughts, then I can start to live my life to the fullest and reach my own personal potential to fulfill my dreams.

Thank you for listening! I hope you don’t mind my meandering thoughts. But then again it is Real Talk Tuesday. 🙂

 

Real Talk Tuesdays

So I wanted to create a space on my blog where I can discuss current events, current self doubts and other such ponderings. I realized that although I love writing poetry and short stories, I desired a place to talk about the real things happening in my life or the lives of others. Maybe this will become a regular thing. We shall see.

Today I want to touch on the reality of my existence after college. I have recently graduated from university and  have part time job. I am very blessed to be have a family to fall back on and somewhere that I feel comfortable.

But during college, everyone talks about what you are going to be doing afterward. It seems that the goal of your education is to get you to the next thing. Well, I’m not doing that ‘next thing’ yet. I have a plan but I am not doing exactly what I thought I would be after college.

This discrepancy between what people (and myself) expected for me to do and what I am currently doing brings a lot of self doubt to the table. I find it hard to move forward when I myself don’t know how to answer the question “What will I do with my life?”. It seems hard to even admit this.

Ever since I was a child I have been shuffled through the structural systems society has in place. From grade school to high school, from high school to college. This shuffling has been a majority of my existence. Now that I am free to choose something different than continued education, I can’t seem to move forward.

Of course this indecisiveness brings up questions such as: Am I totally reliant on structures to make choices for me? Can be successful with such freedom? Why am I so afraid to commit to something? Has society conditioned this fear in me?

I can sometimes fall into the pattern and think that I am the only one experiencing these feelings. I know my friends don’t feel as though they have it all together too. But how many times does your mate want to discuss the meaninglessness of your life at that moment? It seems pretty depressing to do so. I try to steer conversations away from that.

Sometimes I wonder if this unknowing will make me ‘grow’ or ‘become strong’. I put those words in quotes because they are words people say to you trying to give you hope during a season of uncertainty. Well, I really don’t know if you do grow every time you are unsure about your future or a decision you make. Maybe life just sucks at certain points.

Regardless, right now I must be content with my uncertainty and embrace my confusion on how to move forward.

Feeling new

As I watched the sun fall into the horizon

I didn’t mind

because then the stars started to shine

in the darkness I find myself

becoming excited for the future

Today I spent creating things

rather than worrying about myself

it became something fun

and by the end of the day I was smiling

now as I look up to the sky

I find those blinking lights smiling back too

I am feeling newer than light shining through

and I can’t want to keep creating until

my shirt  button pops with imagination

A New

She ran and skipped and jumped

in the wide open space

in a field of flowers

she found the one place of

respite

breeze shuttering

the long stems and petals

twirling around those free colorful fairies

her hair moved with the wind

made it look like she was

part

flower

a nymph settled in her own world

Today

Wonderful day

breakfast with champions.

Eating with friends

Is like a warm cup of hot chocolate

everything you want in the moment

sharing memories

exchanging laughter

and I think “Wow I am blessed.”

It is moments like these that keep me

going

rowing through the waters of time

I am thankful

happy even?

Surrounded in memories that keep my heart thriving

 

Word of the Day

Juniper:

Your  green bows drooping low

to graze the floor of the earth

sweet sap and berries for me to pick

I laugh at the sound

swishing in the wind

oh little big plant

many tiny arms stretching toward the sun

In sweet beauty and grace

I look toward the top

“Juniper” I whisper

“Your heart never stops

Teach me your ways

Wise old tree”

Writing:Living

I haven’t written in a while. Well a few days at least. It seems that part of me is dying when I forget to express myself through words. Maybe I’m just a romantic poet hoping to live a little. Maybe I am slowly dying and feel as though my words help me live past myself. Do you ever feel like crafting a whole story just to tear it up? Do you ever want to burn bridges just to watch?

It seems as though my life is consistently a balancing act over dark waters. And sometimes I just need the comfort of my own thoughts to take me from my reality.