Real Talk Tuesdays

So I wanted to create a space on my blog where I can discuss current events, current self doubts and other such ponderings. I realized that although I love writing poetry and short stories, I desired a place to talk about the real things happening in my life or the lives of others. Maybe this will become a regular thing. We shall see.

Today I want to touch on the reality of my existence after college. I have recently graduated from university and  have part time job. I am very blessed to be have a family to fall back on and somewhere that I feel comfortable.

But during college, everyone talks about what you are going to be doing afterward. It seems that the goal of your education is to get you to the next thing. Well, I’m not doing that ‘next thing’ yet. I have a plan but I am not doing exactly what I thought I would be after college.

This discrepancy between what people (and myself) expected for me to do and what I am currently doing brings a lot of self doubt to the table. I find it hard to move forward when I myself don’t know how to answer the question “What will I do with my life?”. It seems hard to even admit this.

Ever since I was a child I have been shuffled through the structural systems society has in place. From grade school to high school, from high school to college. This shuffling has been a majority of my existence. Now that I am free to choose something different than continued education, I can’t seem to move forward.

Of course this indecisiveness brings up questions such as: Am I totally reliant on structures to make choices for me? Can be successful with such freedom? Why am I so afraid to commit to something? Has society conditioned this fear in me?

I can sometimes fall into the pattern and think that I am the only one experiencing these feelings. I know my friends don’t feel as though they have it all together too. But how many times does your mate want to discuss the meaninglessness of your life at that moment? It seems pretty depressing to do so. I try to steer conversations away from that.

Sometimes I wonder if this unknowing will make me ‘grow’ or ‘become strong’. I put those words in quotes because they are words people say to you trying to give you hope during a season of uncertainty. Well, I really don’t know if you do grow every time you are unsure about your future or a decision you make. Maybe life just sucks at certain points.

Regardless, right now I must be content with my uncertainty and embrace my confusion on how to move forward.

Advertisements

Feeling new

As I watched the sun fall into the horizon

I didn’t mind

because then the stars started to shine

in the darkness I find myself

becoming excited for the future

Today I spent creating things

rather than worrying about myself

it became something fun

and by the end of the day I was smiling

now as I look up to the sky

I find those blinking lights smiling back too

I am feeling newer than light shining through

and I can’t want to keep creating until

my shirt  button pops with imagination

A New

She ran and skipped and jumped

in the wide open space

in a field of flowers

she found the one place of

respite

breeze shuttering

the long stems and petals

twirling around those free colorful fairies

her hair moved with the wind

made it look like she was

part

flower

a nymph settled in her own world

Today

Wonderful day

breakfast with champions.

Eating with friends

Is like a warm cup of hot chocolate

everything you want in the moment

sharing memories

exchanging laughter

and I think “Wow I am blessed.”

It is moments like these that keep me

going

rowing through the waters of time

I am thankful

happy even?

Surrounded in memories that keep my heart thriving

 

Word of the Day

Juniper:

Your  green bows drooping low

to graze the floor of the earth

sweet sap and berries for me to pick

I laugh at the sound

swishing in the wind

oh little big plant

many tiny arms stretching toward the sun

In sweet beauty and grace

I look toward the top

“Juniper” I whisper

“Your heart never stops

Teach me your ways

Wise old tree”

Writing:Living

I haven’t written in a while. Well a few days at least. It seems that part of me is dying when I forget to express myself through words. Maybe I’m just a romantic poet hoping to live a little. Maybe I am slowly dying and feel as though my words help me live past myself. Do you ever feel like crafting a whole story just to tear it up? Do you ever want to burn bridges just to watch?

It seems as though my life is consistently a balancing act over dark waters. And sometimes I just need the comfort of my own thoughts to take me from my reality.

Nights

I stayed awake.

Eyes blood red

Knowing that work needed to be finished

But I watched movies instead

It was dark deep and cold

The wind howled around

And I didn’t really care

that i never heard a sound

The freezing rain and the picture screen

It didn’t seem

To bother me

That this night was endless

Endlessly

An extra cup

As a man passed by me today

I noticed his umbrella

It was raining so it seemed logical for him to carry it

but it was his beard that didn’t make much sense

He set down his things at the booth next to mine

Then preceded to turn to me

“Would you like this cup? I got an extra.”

He said to me

It was an act of giving that made me smile

It wasn’t because I was really thirsty

but that he thought to give away the extra he had

Kindess

A game

How was your day today?
On a scale of —– to —–
Keep the balance of the numbers in check
So humpty-dumpty doesnt fall off the wall
Life is a game and I’ve rolled my dice
But the mousetrap worked and my tail is caught
A single slice of pizza for me
In the form of a slap in the face
Rough day
Rough week
Rough hour

Background

I fade into the background as I try and win over your countenance. It is a glance and nothing more. I realized that I dreamed about you. But why? Is my only motive physical? There I stood, going along my day, hoping to catch maybe just a smile. I heard that you called someone else wonderful and my heart sank. The background became my foreground and I didn’t know how to get out of the painting. It seems my shyness had kept me from discovering more of you. Or maybe it has kept you from seeing me. Do not cast a gaze deeper because I’m not sure what’s underneath my surface. My heart still tries to love you from afar. In my own way, I have you labeled as my own as we walked by each-other today. The backdrop to your universe, I try to sit still so you won’t notice me. I noticed you noticing and I tried to become a blur. Please do not take offense to me for I have not decided who you are to me. I am afraid of what you might become, someone to love.