Woah, its only tuesday

I walked away

From

The ship wrecked

Heart

I gave myself

I said

“Look its not worth your time”

Everyone else

Seems to have it together

And I am always taking a break

So its a paradox

Wanting a full heart

But ripping it from my chest

Its a double edged sword

Those words stated kindly and

Sweetly

Deciving

Me to believe

It was a far away island

I ran

Too far

From the shore line

Assurance is better than

Stability

Love and drugs

Giving breath to sin

Desires so intoxicating

I’m drunk

But not the happy kind

The drunk that wrecks your life

Now a washed up sailor

Who never learned how to swim

Giving, re-living

And I just thought

I was doing okay

Keeping afloat

Never mind the sharks circling

underneath

You aren’t my savior

I’m not yours

But lets touch fingers

In hopes of claiming some

Dignity

That we both deserve.

Advertisements

Evaporated

Evaporated

was the sensation

I felt today

Feeling drawn

Metled cheese on your microwave

Dish

Hot sauce crusted to the

Outside of the bottle

Was it too much to bear?

Crumps you flick to the floor

The last dregs of the coffee

All uncomfortable

But not so bad

That you need to make a fuss

Make a fuss

Because I am withering

And it feels

No, it tastes

Like insanity

Maybe its the fall time breeze

Moldy leaves soaked in dew

Cats meowing at the thought of

Milk

Do I bore you with

Inner thoughts?

Or do I reflect a version of

Womandhood

You never asked for?

Evaporated

That is how it feels

To exist

Today

I want

I want you know

I thought about you

I want to know

I care about you

When you said

that you wanted to die

I want to you know

I gave you a think

I want you to know

life will not sink

When we said

“see ya later, goodbye”

It isn’t hard

for me to find

the reasons why

you bring me sunshine

It isn’t hard

for me to hide

the reasons why

you bring a smile to my life

I want you know

I thought about you

I want you to care

that I’ll see you through

When you said

that you wanted to die

When you say

your final goodbye

 

Panic: A short story

It seemed like a good idea at the time

To bust around

Flipping tables and

Smash furniture

I can’t remember giving

The police my name

But at some point

I must have

Because all the sudden

My mother was

Screaming at me

In the mall cafeteria

How dare you behave like this!

This isn’t how I raised you!

I stopped my smashing

And thrashing to

Blankly stare at

The woman in front of

me

In that moment of

Pause, I regained

Part of my sanity

And started to cry

How did I become like

This

Who am I?

Who looked back at me

In the mirror this

Morning?

The mall police took

My stopping as a sign

Of resolve and

Stepped closer in

My mother ran to

Me and hugged me

Tight

Forcing my arms to

My sides

So I couldn’t move

Them

At that same moment

She hit my wrist

And something thudded

To the floor

A soda can,maybe?

I heard shouts

From all directions

As my face

Became smothered in

My mother’s

Shoulder

Who knew you could revert back

To childhood so easily?

As a sob left my mouth

My mother whispered

This is not how I raised you

Honey

Honey

Sweet sappy stuff

Bees spend all their

Lives making for winter

Sticky to touch

Yummy to taste

Honey, I love you

I love you, honey

I think she meant

It for the

Bees

We walked together out of

The cafeteria

Glass and wood

About me

Like a jigsaw puzzle

Someone didn’t finish

I looked down

And saw the

Thing I had been holding

Drew my breath in

It wasnt a soda can

Or even a knife

It was a Barbie doll

With her

Arms stretched high

In the sky

As if to say

“This is not how I raised you

Honey”

I’ve always hated bees

You deserve Life

There was a moment in my life where I felt

That although

I was finished my degree

That I was finished this

Seeming monstrosity

That I was still missing something

Missing something

Right

Like we all run through life trying to check boxes

But where has it gotten us?

Where has it gotten me?

Me

A girl

A young girl by the looks of things

And immature girl

By the guess of things

She hasn’t gotten anywhere by checking all those boxes instead I color in the lines and wish

Oh how I wish that I could be like the people that I see on tv

I wish that I could be free like them

Work hard

But get rewarded

For all I want is the reward, right?

Do all I want is the praise and adoration of my friends and family?

Why

Why do I create? Why do I think about like death humanity and beauty all at once

Who am I

Where will God take me?

People think religion is stupid

I understand why

Believing in something different

Other than yourself

Well

Truth is I am tired

Tired of checking and filling all those boxes and saying help when it seems right

I am tired of believing in myself

And then Turing around to think badly about myself

People talk about self-worth as though it is something that you can easily attain

With 5 simple steps

The reality is

This

Every day you need to gain back that self-worth

For your mind tore everything down the night before

You look in the mirror and have to force

Force

Rip your mind from feeding on negativity

It isn’t 5 easy steps

It isn’t the next smile is freedom

It is a fight to move forward

Never does that moment get easier

Sometimes the weight of my personal doubt does grow easier yes

Things like laughter

The spirit

Singing and love

Those do make it easier

Yes

But that does not diminish the roar that I need to give to my own personal identity every time I start to believe that I am less than others

Or even less than myself

No

This is not a road to personal discovery

Is isn’t even recovery

It’s a process

And with the processing of the [process

I can start to understand the why of things

Am I that crazy?

Are we this crazy

Stupid to think that the solution to life is five easy steps?

This is no declaration of encouragement

This is no pep talk

But rather the real talk

That I have been trying to come to terms with in the last few months

Years

Lifetime

Be though my vision

I tell myself in the morning

As I try to make sense of the

Who

What

Where

Where

Why and how

But we need each other

Right? I need you and you need me

Confessing our insecurities

So, one day they might bring us less pain

Don’t worry, even in the times where I see only darkness for myself

I still think you are the light of day

Even when you doubt yourself

I will believe in you

Put trust in you

Call you

Friend

Mother brother sister father and worth

My time and energy

Even if I feel close to smashing the mirror in my room

I promise to be true to you

True to the fact that you deserve someone

Somebody to laugh and care for you

You deserve life

And so even if my life feels failing

I promise to make sure your life is worth living

Be thou my vision

Oh Lord of my life.

Felt

It snuck up on me

Like it always does

Rats scurring in drainage pipes

I felt afraid to look ahead

But paralyzed to move backward
It wasnt as simple as

People make it seem

The darkness

The sweet sweet darkness of it

Makes me wish

I was dead too

Then I am there

In the sewers

Even before I knew

Like a lock with a key

I am opened by memories

Filled with thoughts 

That pervade my

Productivity

And my love

My love

My love

You sing to me

Soft words

Raising up prayers in my defense

You sing me to sleep 

Lay in my arms

You chide

I must

For you have captivated me

I forget the dark dungeon

And see a

New dawn

My love

My love

My love

Wont you sing to me?

Mantra

Sometimes when you feel 

Empty

No words or smiles leave your mind

Sometimes when you feel 

Lazy

Moments slip from your fingers

Leaving you a hollow

Shell.

But wait a moment

Take that hollow

And snuggle in the tree that you have found

Like Winne the Pooh

Warm yourself with the sweet sap 

Making a home for yourself

Do not tred in these lazy thoughts

But instead call it

Meditation

The only thing left empty

Is your warehouse 

For you have invited so many guests

To enjoy your hollow

Believe you can share with others

The beauty and love found only

In you. 

Depression 

It was just yesterday

It was just yesterday

It was just in the past

It wasnt in the future

That the day remained 

Moving forward is impossible

Let me wallow in the day before

Lets sit in the emptiness

Carving out space in the past place 

Hesitant to see a morning or dawn

Or dusk

Or see much of anything

Goodbye willing heart 

You’ve been crushed by the lazy hand

Your heart and head want to deal

Its Me

One day down

Check the box

And mark the calender 

I was blessed to make it through

Although the darkness lurks behind

My minds eye

It didnt cover my vision

Yesterday

I knew I could keep going

Making my own path from what I left 

Behind

Recounting the immovable parts

Never puts my mind at ease

So I started counting my steps

And let the breeze brush my neck

Its rubbish you might say

As you continue reading until the end

But my life and words are not complete 

Sentences 

On a page filled with periods

Oh no, dear solider

I am fragments and fractions

Spun together by time and linked 

By my loves and friends

Even my enemies tie the knots to create 

The assemblance of a person

Run away if you must

Keep reading if you can

My mind wanders far

But my body stays stationary

And time become ticking clocks

Moved only by the will to create

Real Talk Tuesday

So today I again will be talking about real things on a Tuesday. We shall see if this becomes a normal, regularly scheduled thing. But I wanted to give myself the space away from prose and poetry to have a real talk.

I realized over the past few years that I have a tendency towards depression. This seems like it might be me gushing out my feelings but honestly it is not. I have realized that depressive thoughts sometimes plague me when I least expect it. They will creep up on me and before I know it I am in a cycle of negativity.

The hardest part about realizing this aspect of myself is that I had to identify certain habits and thought patterns as hurtful to my overall mental health. I never realized that ruminating over events of the day were actually part of a cycle that can be unhelpful.

It seems silly to be sharing this with the internet and with strangers. I feel a bit bad because I don’t actually have self-help tips for you, readers. I don’t think I’m qualified enough to share anything useful. Instead I just wanted to share my experience.

I have recently graduated from university and am living at home with a part-time job. Although I am extremely blessed and thankful to have such a supporting family, I found myself falling into a spiral of negative thoughts. It seemed as though I hit a wall in my creativity and I hit a wall in my productivity. Instead of realizing that I was becoming more and more depressed; I just tried to work harder at doing tasks.

It is crazy to think that a week ago, I really believed myself to be “all right”. I was far from that fact. Depression has always been a sneaky neighbor in my mind and before I even realize it, depression has moved in and is sharing my bed. It comes in waves and it comes in slowly. Then all the sudden I wake up and I’m basically drowning in negativity.

I always felt that at some point everybody goes through a depressive phase. Like something tragic happens and then you are sad maybe even depressed but then you bounce back and learn from your experience. This is the state that I thought I was in.

I thought that I was depressed because of tragedies that had happened in my life and that I would soon bounce back to my ‘normal’ self. But this has not been the case. It has taken a lot of self reflection to realize that my depression is consistent and sometimes very bad. I don’t like to feel as though I am not in control and depression puts my logical self out of control and I hate that; Which in turn leads to a cycle of self deprecation. Not exactly helpful.

Regardless, I have come to a point wherein I realized I was again in a depressed state. It seems as though I need my inner self to acknowledge that I am not okay and then I can start feeling better. I told a friend the other day that I was not doing too hot and today I woke up excited to be alive.

What I have found in my experience, is that the little conversations and the little things I do, help me to get out of my ‘funk’. By noting my condition, I can say to myself “Okay, I am here. Now let me try this to move forward.”

I think that as I continually live and learn about my self and the world, I find it easy to get overwhelmed by problems and dissonance in the universe. But the little steps that I can take to both laugh and move past ruminating thoughts, then I can start to live my life to the fullest and reach my own personal potential to fulfill my dreams.

Thank you for listening! I hope you don’t mind my meandering thoughts. But then again it is Real Talk Tuesday. 🙂