Where I go no one can follow

Far and wide the river ran

Outside of my heart running deep

Carving stone waters rushing

There I stood at the edge

Almost falling in

Hollow and alone I saw the rushing

Feelings pass me by

As I let the river rush along

Never touching the deep

For where I go 

No one can follow

And where I tred

None can comfort

My absent mind believing that the

Waters will poison me

Long and empty I stood at the 

Water’s edge not knowing that 

Comfort

Wholeness

Acceptance 

And 

Deliverance

Lay on the other side.


This piece is inspired by the Tuesday Writing Prompt Challenge over at Go Dog Go Cafe. Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash If you are interesed in learning more about the inspiration and background of my work, check out my kofi page.

It is…

It is a sinking solemn feeling

pit in your chest

and you wonder

if your depressed state will

garner any action or

productivity

for the only hope

in life

is the craft your hands

created

the toil

bloody

my neighbors hands are bloody

with the sins of my generation

and I scream

for the darkness

doesn’t care what

you leave behind

rather it

steals the

now.


Photo by Geetanjal Khanna on Unsplash

Yesterday…

I cried for the

10,000 people who

died

yesterday

Great white linen sheets

that cover the grass and

rubble

falls around their faces

It isn’t a fair

cruel world we

live in

Its just

cruel

dark, cold and dead

I cried that

my own sadness

covered my own circumstances

I forgot

every blessing

that falls at my feel.

So help my God.


I wrote this during the 4th week of quarantine. That week, it was very hard for me to continue on and see joy in the morning sun. I am doing much better now, finding new rhythms to ease the passage of time. Photo by Juliana Kozoski on Unsplash.

My meaning

Mark your self as

special

chide yourself

as lovely

for as the moonbeams

rest on the laurels

of yesterday’s events

you are still

something

you mean something

mark yourself as

smart

tell yourself

“I’m kind”

for as the sunshine

rises the weary travelers

to the day break

you are still

something

you mean everything

.

my meaning

 


Each day I seem to go over everything that I did and said. This reumenating is not very good for me, I know. But it is hard to break a lifelong habit. So each day, I spend time recounting what I think I should have said. When I find myself re-living moments, becasue it’s inevitable, I try to focus on the positive of each moment. I try to remember any kindness or smiles. I try to remember the laughing, especially the laughing, so that I can stamp that day with a “good job”. It doesn’t always work, I’m not always successful but these small steps will hopefully help me run the marathon of life.  Photo by Belinda Fewings on Unsplash.

lonely no more

I sweep away the crumbs

from my cluttered desk

finding space for

my fingers to tap the key board and once

again

relay to you

questions of my heart.

.

the woodpecker sleeps

as the moon fades into darkeness

my breathy fog

hits the screen door

as I call my dog back

back to his warm home

.

maybe having the answers

to all of life’s questions

is exhausting

maybe its too much to bear

but in this moment

I am jealous

of the future

jaded by my desire to know

know it all

to understand the depths

of my

dark soul.

Is it too much to ask?

Too much to reason with?

the cascading emotions

of time and relevance

only draw me

closer to

insanity.

.

the fan that constantly

hums

in my room

provides a much needed

distraction

to the sounds of the voices

in my head.

to the ringing of the

“too little to late”

mantra that pierces my eyes

each morning

.

I find respite here.

I find rest in the words

penned so carelessly

one has to wonder

if they count as

prose.

But I find solem peace here.

Knowing that

if I can find

just one weary traveler who

understands

we can journey together.

.

lonely no more

 


I read a blog post just last week about lonliness and how it can effect many places of your life. That feeling that you don’t belong or others don’t understand. It can be a sinking feeling that becomes a crippling idea landing you into the realm of depression. If you are feeling lonely today, please, say hello to me in the comments. I want to reassure you, you are not crazy for feeling this way and you are not alone either. This interent sphere can tie us together even with just a comment.

 

Foggy

My head is heavy

with the ideas

that tomorrow and today

aren’t heaven sent.

instead I think in circles

and replay time

as if that will

clear the fog.

My mind wanders

to a distant

realm

where trees and flowers sway

a place where

I see only the sun

shining through

the mist of the morning.

And I wonder

Am I alone in this world?


Getting back into the rhythm of life is hard after the holidays. This week has gone by slow and fast all at the same time. I definitely have the new years blues and I am hoping that by indulging in my favourite past time (writing) I can regain some assemblance of myself. What are ways that you ease back into everyday life after the holiday?

.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash.

Moving and Motion

This past week, I moved house. I had to pack up all my things put them in boxes and lug all my stuff to a new, different place. The act of moving, really puts into perspective how much I hold onto my sense of place with my sense of self.

For a year now, I have been living in a tiny apartment, essentially all by myself. I had a roommate that soon became non existent as they moved in with their boyfriend. Why did they still pay rent? I really have no idea. Regardless the silence that I lived in made me think that I am a quiet person. It also made me think that I am someone that deserves to be alone. Although I did not try to isolate myself, it just started to happen naturally. So when I hear about social isolation being a huge problem for the elderly in society, I understand how it happens. Slowly it creeps up on you and then you think that being alone is what you deserve. I had to actively fight against feeling lonely and alone. Too much honesty? maybe… But even though this move was taxing physically and mentally, I am going to be part of a community again and live alongside others which I know will be both refreshing and rejuvenating.

Know that you deserve good, refreshing company and that there are those around you who want to support you. Fight for joyful company and your heart will slowly heal.

-L

(those last words are directed to those who feel alone and to myself as well)

Dichotomy

There was a time

in my life

when I thought

the unclean and the pure

never mixed

no drinks to be shared

underneath the shining

smiles

were the cracked mirrors all

adrift in the sea of

loneliness

but now that I am older

I realize there is a magik to the dark

but a easiness in the light

for the yolk is easy

restless for something more

even though it is empty

I still find a way to

twist my hands and

scrape the flesh

from my knuckles

even though I don’t want to

do so

the days are not easy

and the light isn’t weightless

as I trudge through today

but at the same time

there you stand

and give strength

all the day

making it possible for me

breathe again

 

Im back

I revoked

My title

Of winner

Loser

Done

Now its a two way street

And i am frogger

Crossing each lane

Fingers crossed

Hoping to live another jump

And I find it so hard to breath again

I feel as though

People think depression is cool

Something to

Show off

I am dying

Black liquid dripping

From my innocent lips

Because i believed

That life would get better

Under arrest

Pumping out

Nothing

Breathless

And I thought dreaming would

Help

But instead

I taste and see

That the

LORD is good

But this daily existence

Killed me first.

Woah, its only tuesday

I walked away

From

The ship wrecked

Heart

I gave myself

I said

“Look its not worth your time”

Everyone else

Seems to have it together

And I am always taking a break

So its a paradox

Wanting a full heart

But ripping it from my chest

Its a double edged sword

Those words stated kindly and

Sweetly

Deciving

Me to believe

It was a far away island

I ran

Too far

From the shore line

Assurance is better than

Stability

Love and drugs

Giving breath to sin

Desires so intoxicating

I’m drunk

But not the happy kind

The drunk that wrecks your life

Now a washed up sailor

Who never learned how to swim

Giving, re-living

And I just thought

I was doing okay

Keeping afloat

Never mind the sharks circling

underneath

You aren’t my savior

I’m not yours

But lets touch fingers

In hopes of claiming some

Dignity

That we both deserve.