Burn

Maybe I am a fool

To think people change

Hearts

Angry

Always

Burn in time

And flames singe my

Lashes

Causing me to

Cry

Alone

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Real Talk Tuesdays

So I wanted to create a space on my blog where I can discuss current events, current self doubts and other such ponderings. I realized that although I love writing poetry and short stories, I desired a place to talk about the real things happening in my life or the lives of others. Maybe this will become a regular thing. We shall see.

Today I want to touch on the reality of my existence after college. I have recently graduated from university and  have part time job. I am very blessed to be have a family to fall back on and somewhere that I feel comfortable.

But during college, everyone talks about what you are going to be doing afterward. It seems that the goal of your education is to get you to the next thing. Well, I’m not doing that ‘next thing’ yet. I have a plan but I am not doing exactly what I thought I would be after college.

This discrepancy between what people (and myself) expected for me to do and what I am currently doing brings a lot of self doubt to the table. I find it hard to move forward when I myself don’t know how to answer the question “What will I do with my life?”. It seems hard to even admit this.

Ever since I was a child I have been shuffled through the structural systems society has in place. From grade school to high school, from high school to college. This shuffling has been a majority of my existence. Now that I am free to choose something different than continued education, I can’t seem to move forward.

Of course this indecisiveness brings up questions such as: Am I totally reliant on structures to make choices for me? Can be successful with such freedom? Why am I so afraid to commit to something? Has society conditioned this fear in me?

I can sometimes fall into the pattern and think that I am the only one experiencing these feelings. I know my friends don’t feel as though they have it all together too. But how many times does your mate want to discuss the meaninglessness of your life at that moment? It seems pretty depressing to do so. I try to steer conversations away from that.

Sometimes I wonder if this unknowing will make me ‘grow’ or ‘become strong’. I put those words in quotes because they are words people say to you trying to give you hope during a season of uncertainty. Well, I really don’t know if you do grow every time you are unsure about your future or a decision you make. Maybe life just sucks at certain points.

Regardless, right now I must be content with my uncertainty and embrace my confusion on how to move forward.

Shit

I feel like shit today

No I didn’t step in it

It is me

I climbed out of bed with the shit mindset about my day

I was angry, hurt and confused

worst of all I feel played and used

it is shitty to feel like a blackhole

with nothing to hold on to as you slide down

down

down

into oblivion of the shit day I am having

Haha I can’t even believe you’ve read this far

somehow enjoying my misery

Thanks I guess

Questions for my Diary

Can I write in my diary, the small loves I have had and how I cried for them all? Will recording my thoughts and beats of my heart console me too long to love no more? Dear diary, I wish you had ears to hear the songs I sing to remember those loves. Songs that give way to tears and sometimes laughs. Can I write down those feelings that grip my body to the core? Will they translate onto the page?

I must do so even with all my questions, nothing else will quiet my mind.