Content

I wanted to pop along and let you know that I feel very content with life at the moment. Yellow sunny ray hit my face even in the cool February breeze. And I wonder, will this feeling last? I tell the lady at ESL class that I am doing well and for the first time it really is true. Work is okay, family is happy and friends are near to my heart. Am I concealing something dark underneath? Are my eyes invisible to suffering? I feel very content with life at the moment. Red warm fire slowly creeps through my fingers until it reaches my heart. The movement of people places and things are drowsy and put me to sleep. I no longer have those anxieties. Am I growing wiser? Or am I masking something? The green buds that rise from the earth in the early spring give me hope. If they can bloom, why can’t I? Why can’t I turn my face to the sky and breathe in all the wonderful things that have been made? I feel very content with life at the moment although I seem to have forgotten my name.

Times Gone By: A Short Saturday Reflection

With the change of seasons, my body has not been able to escape getting a cold. It is a bit annoying to be blowing your nose so many times that your start to rub your precious nose raw. But alas, such is the case with the coming of winter and falling of leaves.

As I sit down to reflect (for a short time, I tell myself), I can’t help but think about who I have been and who I am becoming.

Lately, I find myself looking back at the past and recounting the blessings and the gifts that have been given to me. It is easy to just go through the motions and not think about how these actions are impacting your life. My time of reflection has allowed me to see that these moments of difficulty have actually been blessings in disguise. 

This might sound cheesy or inauthentic but let me explain. About 2 years ago, I was looking for a job and living at home with my parents. During this time, my best friend had come back from an extended trip abroad and was going to school. Both of us didn’t know what we were doing or where we were headed. But even in that time of confusion and dissonance we were able to spend so much time together. I was re-considering my career choices and so was my best friend. These days were not easy by any means. But as I started a new job, my best friend and I still found time to connect and spend time together. It was these moments that were the hidden blessing. I didn’t realize until later that this time gone by solidified our friendship into adulthood. We are no longer just highschool friends, we are best friends united by more than just interests but life experience as well.

So I wonder in my time, in my life now: Will I look back and understand why things had to happen this way? Will I understand the choices I’ve made and how they will impact my future? 

I believe so. And I have hope that my days are not toiling on endlessly but rather I am growing and becoming someone who can create positive change in the world. 

Be Well,

L

 

5 Thoughts

Hello! This week I was inspired by Katie Kay to write about 5 things that I’ve had on my mind. Read her post here. Thanks for the inspiration Katie!

1)Joy.

                 At certain times in my life, I have found it hard to have joy, see joy, taste joy. The thing is joy is not dependant on my physical, spiritual or emotional circumstances. Joy is found both within myself and outside myself. Even if I feel no joy, I can trust that there is something else in the universe that it is joyful and I can turn and look at this instead. Maybe this sounds like jumbled up philosophical nonsense that doesn’t really make sense. But the action of finding joy has given me more hope than I thought was possible. Recently, I have realized that joy is key to my existence. I must find joy in the absurd, joy in the depressing and joy in the lovely. For in those moments where I dig deep, this is where I can truly make changes and create a more positive life for myself. Darkness may exist but I will shine through it with my joy.

2) It’s not the destination that matters

              Now that I have ticked all of the educational boxes in my life (ie, middle school,highschool, college…) I have found it hard to define my “purpose”. In the past few years, I have bumped along from one job to another with no specific goal. This lack of a defined goal has left me confused and lonely. Sometimes I don’t know what the hell I am doing, other days I feel so convinced of my calling that I feel on fire. Have you felt this way? In recent months, after continuing on with my everyday existence, I have found that life really is about the journey not the destination. In the US, we are so focused on goals and achievements, I feel that we sometimes lose sight of the true beauty found in the journey.  Traveling, living, these small seemingly mundane moments are where my life is truly lived. And in this simplicity, I find myself becoming more and more content. My journey is not done and I don’t mind not knowing where I am going.

3) Miss Fishers independence

                 Recently, I have been watching “Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries” on the good ol’ netflix (not a sponsor). I am really enjoying this series and can’t believe I never saw it before. I am a true sucker for anything mysterious and so after the first episode I was hooked. Also who doesn’t love a gunslinging, rich and powerful lady detective? Anyway, this series has helped inspire some of my own stories for two kid detective characters that I have been working on. Maybe one day these characters will see the light of day. 

4) Wanting to travel/ making plans

               As much as the destination OF LIFE doesn’t matter, I am really itching to travel and go places. I have a friend living abroad and I am trying/hoping/praying that I will be able to make it out to her sometime soon! For me, I have to start talking about travel plans way in advance so that I begin to take my desires seriously. It might sound strange but I basically need to hype myself up to even consider a trip. This is just the way my crazy brain works. Anyway, I have been looking at tickets and searching for cheap flight options (if that is even a thing) and trying to visualize myself going and traveling around the world. Fingers crossed that everything will work out! 

5) The future is bright

             Even if I don’t feel this to be true every moment of the day, my future is bright. I have been thinking about “what’s next” in life and I have come to the conclusion that no matter what, it will be bright.  By trying to answer this question, I have cause headaches, stomach pains and needless anxiety. I don’t know what clicked in my head the other day (maybe I’m maturing??) but now when I ask myself “what’s next” my answer is, “the future is bright”. I won’t worry about what lies ahead or what lies behind. Instead I will trust that the future is bright, because,really, it is.

 

Be well,

L

From Far Away

Last time I sat and wrote something longer, I talked about the season of life in which I fins myself. Although I’d like to keep thinking existential thoughts, why don’t I move along.

This week has been very busy even though I haven’t traveled anywhere. Instead, I have been preparing for travel. The preparation of the thing seems to me just as important as the journey itself. I am not one of those travelers who can go on a whim with no thought about where the next meal will come from. Rather, I plan accordingly and detail out how much I should bring and what shoes I should wear. As I near the trip, I start to get anxieties about whether or not I even planned enough. At some point, this worry multiplies into thoughts about whether I should go on the trip at all.

I am starting to realize that life isn’t lived while you are planning. Real moments are formed when you let the travel take you to your next adventure. As much as I want to be in control and make each moment special, the reality is I am not physically capable to do so.  Even though I am just taking a weekend trip, this realization has broader impact on my perspective. The prepping, the doomsday attitude will only provide me so much comfort and joy when I walk through life’s journey.

Therefore, this weekend I won’t worry about each meal or each moment spent. Instead I will roll with the punches, let me hair down, throw caution to the wind and treasure each uncertain moment.

 

-L

 

Background

I fade into the background as I try and win over your countenance. It is a glance and nothing more. I realized that I dreamed about you. But why? Is my only motive physical? There I stood, going along my day, hoping to catch maybe just a smile. I heard that you called someone else wonderful and my heart sank. The background became my foreground and I didn’t know how to get out of the painting. It seems my shyness had kept me from discovering more of you. Or maybe it has kept you from seeing me. Do not cast a gaze deeper because I’m not sure what’s underneath my surface. My heart still tries to love you from afar. In my own way, I have you labeled as my own as we walked by each-other today. The backdrop to your universe, I try to sit still so you won’t notice me. I noticed you noticing and I tried to become a blur. Please do not take offense to me for I have not decided who you are to me. I am afraid of what you might become, someone to love.

Sweet, Sweet Minstrels

My brother plays on the piano. The sweet improvised melody is both calming and elusive. I wonder what he means when he plays those chords. Does the tune define the artist? Or is my brother defining the meaning of his song? I wonder. I sip my tea and close my eyes. I listen. The sounds of the piano are wondrous, taking me to a new place and different world. The day is closing but my brother’s music gives me another beginning. The fabric of time and space seem to slow and melt as the tune is played. The world created is light and free. Colors of sunrise fill the space. I am floating on the clouds while I am listening. My mind explores this new world unknown. I do not sense any rush to find or seek but rather I move with the melody of the song. My soul turns and glides, I hear the hurt and the love the journey my brother has been on. And I am captured by the chords, my own emotions reflecting the tune.

My eyes slowly open. The reality of the space around me gently nudges my senses. My brother still sits at the piano. He still plays his song. Only a minute has passed and I feel inspired to live thousands more. The song reached me at my core. It drove me to be something greater than I was a moment before. The song changed me. The artist changed me. I do not want to relegate myself to the mundane. No longer. I will become the song that changed space and time to bring life to world around.