Shit

I feel like shit today

No I didn’t step in it

It is me

I climbed out of bed with the shit mindset about my day

I was angry, hurt and confused

worst of all I feel played and used

it is shitty to feel like a blackhole

with nothing to hold on to as you slide down

down

down

into oblivion of the shit day I am having

Haha I can’t even believe you’ve read this far

somehow enjoying my misery

Thanks I guess

Depression

Some days I believe that I am the ruler of the universe. Other days I feel more content to scold myself into the position of a serf. It sometimes does not come easy to smile. My mind becomes angry at itself and I wish that I didn’t exist. Other days I can’t help but sing the whole day away. I forget that we don’t all live in our dreams. Its hard going through moments and periods of depression. You feel constantly nagged by the overwhelming sensation that you don’t matter. Sometimes I feel that if I love myself enough then I will be happy. But my happiness fades and I end up staring at the key board hoping to be the next Fitzgerald. He never was truly happy, right?

Those Likes

So yesterday, I waited.

I waited around for people to like my blog post. I waited for my little bell to have an orange dot, signifying my worth in this world. I sat there staring at my computer for about 10 minutes. It was through this dull staring with my eyes glazed over that I realized I have a serious problem. I was sitting there and waiting for people to make me feel better about myself. I wanted to know that someone somewhere liked what I had said. Through the staring, I realized how ridiculous I was. Sad really. Somehow my blog posts sat at the forefront of my personal meaning. I stared blankly at my posts some more. I stared to jeer at my inner self. Really?!? I am pathetic, waiting for some random person to satisfy my desire to feel included. All I wanted was one like, was that too much to ask?

Yes, yes it was because no reader has any obligation to the author. There is no mutual understanding of readers delight and then authors praise. So I sat there, staring at my computer waiting for something to happen when in reality I needed to write more and read even more. I need to pull myself away from those categories of worth and inclusion. Regardless of what people think, I need to write.

I am very foolish. A very silly girl. Typing away. Hoping to gain drastic popularity.

Those likes will be the end of me.