Where did the time go?

Wow, has it really been a month since my last post? It has.

Time seems to be flying by this year at a break neck speed, in which I am clinging to a speed boat and letting the spray of the waves hit my face. I have been slowly learning to enjoy the speed. To enjoy the chaos. Ever so slightly, I release my grip on the speed boat of life and reach my hands out to enjoy the wind.

Times are changing and I am changing to too. My hopes and dreams are shifting and moving. These changes can be scary and frightening. The idea that the thing I once wanted and dreamed about no longer holds my hearts desire. How a future I was dreaming about has now taken a different shape. I have to remind myself that it’s alright to change. It’s alright to look in the mirror and see a different person from the month before. It’s okay to change my mind and make different choices.

I have been waiting to get back into writing again. Sometimes, I think about a poem or story I could type but then the desire to share with you fades and I sit back and think some more. This last month has been filled with me thinking. Pondering life questions and simple surmises as well. This time is usually spent in silence or with music in the background. Recently, someone asked me if I enjoy living on my own. My response was that living alone gives you lots of time to think. It can feel lonely at times. You can start to question friendships and personal connections. But I have come to enjoy these long periods of time by myself. After a period away from fellowship with others, I have started to appreciate the “still quiet voice” that the Bible uses to describe God’s presence. When I reach this quiet place, something inside me shifts and changes. I have felt it. When I go back to get togethers and fetes, I am not as anxious about who to talk to or what to say. I take each interaction with a sweet smile, happy that I can talk to someone interesting. Even if it is the man behind me in the checkout line or the person sitting near me at a family gathering, I have started to love those small moments.

Sometimes I don’t want to acknowledge that these feelings are a result of my anxiety waning. Social anxiousness no longer has a hold on me as it once did. For this, I am very thankful. It has taken years, conversations, silence, reading, writing and therapy to slowly make anxiety no longer have a hold on me. A friend told me, when dealing with mental health it is important to remember that soon the years you were sick become only a small part of your story. As time progresses, you are able to count many more healthy years than times you were sick. This is a blessing.

In my personal life, I have changed jobs, found a new apartment, and have many plans to travel this summer. With these plans comes an adjusted time schedule and new rhythms. I don’t want to apologize for these plans as I am excited about them and look forward to them. But with these things comes less time to write and devote to this blog. So you may hear from me frequently or you may not. Regardless, know that I am fully enjoying my summer months and will hopefully pick back up posting in the fall.

Be well,

Leona

(Photo by Zoe Schaeffer on Unsplash)

Laughing Leaves – A Free Verse Poem by Leona

 The laughing leaves sway sweetly

For even mysterious visitors bring loveliness

I remember the way my grandmother

Liked to cut flowers from her garden

And the sweet smell of the roses

A barking dog and spraying sprinkler

I ran around and around in circles

I remember the tall tall rose bushes

They reached to the sky and sang songs

Of beauty, it was a forest of blush pink and red

Feeling dirt underneath my fingernails

The sun warms each and every moment of me

I remember sticky toffee pudding and how

I thought my grandmother was made of light

Soft back rubs and tender pinches to my cheeks

A garden where every possibility seemed at hand

And it never grew boring or tiresome in the afternoon sun

Lift Me- A Free Verse Poem by Leona

Lift me to the heavens

And never forget to speak

Wholly

And lovingly

.

For in the winter moon

I found my way to the

Edge of the universe

Starry

And midnight

.

The vines on the stone

Castle showed me 

Burgeoning colors

Of green

And blue

.

It was the afternoon sun

That hit my face

Ever so softly, I

Laced my hands

In yours

.

The waiting for the 

Stars to fall

Gave me reason to

Send my rhymes

By

The ancient

Winds

.

Lift me to the evening tides

And never forget to breathe

Fully 

And wholly

I whispered – A Free Verse Poem by Leona

Meteorites hit you

And I wonder about

The pain

We’ve caused

Open arms and breathing

Fire

 Raining

I felt the drops

Of sulfur on my skin

Your heart in mine

My feet pounding

To run to my 

Brother

Back in the ancient days

Of sand and noon time naps

When light

And ardent smiles

Gave way to

Wondering about your name

Mother

They called

 You

Friend

I whispered

In the eventual evening light

As if to say 

I love you

My dear

Greenery flickered up the old

Stairs on the cement 

Walk way

And I knew the time had come

To arrive 

And dive 

Into the great warm water

Singing sea’s

Embrace

New Dawn – A Free Verse Poem by Leona

^^ tarry on

Do you mention the

Red carpet to the {mistress}

   As she dons her black cloak

^^ matthew!

You shouted to the racing

Street cars that held

Someones {baby}

It was as if

Then and there

Would be a ^^crashing

To welcome the

New dawn

From the grave

{I am so very tired}

Uranus- A Free Verse Poem by Leona

I find it hard to define you

.

Collapsing space and time 

In one breathe

And giving me a way

To gasp again

.

I find it hard to be honest

.

Shuddering against the 

Whipping winds that

Make my mouth 

Feel dry

.

I find it hard to blink away

.

Captured by the 

Ever growing feeling

That I have

Been here before

.

I find it hard to leave you

.

Makeshift mounds of

Touches and kisses

Amount to pennies

On a scale

.

I find it hard to stop you

.

There is not a 

Definite road to 

Traverse but

I am no longer afraid

Grief – A Haibun by Leona

I’ve noticed a lot has changed. How I don’t even remember where you are buried. Do the birds visit your grave? Maybe I need to bring closure to your passing. Nona, it was something we talked about. No, I’m wrong. We didn’t talk about it. We don’t talk about it. That is why it is still so painful. I wonder about ancient rituals to honor the passing of ancestors. Should I make up my own prayers to send your way? What is spirit and transient in this life? There should be a holiness to the ritual of honoring the dead. But as time passes, I wonder if I will be the last person to remember you. Nona, you wore a golden ring on your right hand. Now I wear the same ring on my left. These fleeting memories. Gardens and roses. The dog parking and splashing through a sprinkler. How it was to be in love life. How it was to feel your hand pat my head as you whispered “I love you”. Releasing you to the God I love has been the hardest thing for me. More difficult than understanding the meaning of life. For I walk in the woods each afternoon and wonder if I would make you proud. 

Steps increase in spring

The roses you planted grow

White lattice to mourn


Written in response to the Haibun Wednesday Challenge at Go Dog Go Cafe.

Regrets – A Free Verse Poem by Leona

Do I regret the pointed moments of my life now?

I see in blues and greens

The warm rain as it hits the earth

And I wonder

Is my life complete?

/

Gray days have filled my thoughts

And I wonder if it is possible to love

The very idea of a person

I will wait

/

Do I regret the missed movements of my soul?

Languishing in hidden corners

Of myself

The finality of it made me shudder

/

Blue skies herald new beginnings

And I wonder if it is possible to be 

In love

With a new version of

Myself

/

Do I regret the heartful laughter of my current life?

How it is to be together

Shared meals and working in

The new garden beds

I will wait

/

Green horizons flicker and bloom

Sultry moments in between

And it’s okay to

Not know your destination

For the present


I have been processing a lot lately. Introspection seems to be my MO. It makes me wonder about the past 5 years and wondering what I’ve learned and how I’ve grown. We’ve survived a lot recently but I don’t want “surviving the pandemic” to be my excuse for not living my life well. It has taken a lot of wondering about the future and what I want to be. Sometimes this is painful, other times it is fun and hopeful. I haven’t written as much as I should. Sometimes the words sit just left of the desire to pen them down. It’s that way sometimes. I’ve been reading more and trying to take it all in. Release myself to the world a little bit. All in all, this season is good and I trust that my days are not wasted. Rather this time is creating fertile ground for positive change and love.

Saturn – A Free Verse Poem by Leona

And then a ring landed in the middle of the dark sky

Royal riches strewn about the palace gardens

Walking in between the marble statues

Listening to the dripping fountains where the robins fluttered

It was a feeling of peace and above all quiet.

/

Sweeping strands of color and stone wound across the horizon

You wore blue bells on your ankles that jingled with each step

Moving toward a space that gave a sense of eternal time

Healing our wounds with lush elixirs only known to you

It was a feeling of might and above all wonder.

/

Cream and brown swirls drift toward the longing daybreak

A pocket full of silver was offered as a payment to the gods

But there was only ever one wish for the faithful

Leaving behind the desire for control over future dreams

It was a feeling of loss and above all love.

/

Counting every cylindrical line across the bend in the night

I hear the slow tapping of your footsteps through the woods

Smell the air, I realize that I have been here before

With an outstretched hand you gave the world a pause

It was a feeling of hope and above all awe.

/

Jupiter- a Free Verse Poem by Leona

On the wings of a faded

Sunset

You arrived 

A tilt a whirl

Colors dazzling 

From your mouth

Capturing me up in 

Your majestic embrace.

We danced.

.

The glitter that clung

To your eyelashes

And cuffs

It started to sparkle

Under the deep

Dark sky

Gasping, you

Whispered in my

Ear

.

It was the way

The destructive force

Of your smile that

Made me wonder

About the magic found

In every inch 

Of you